I HATE FILMMAKERS

Let’s start with the fact that I attended film school for 3 years of my life and I dropped out. I got tired and sick of it. It wasn’t what I expected it to be. I was waiting for a group of people eager to learn the art of making movies, people who were dying to study something new and to share ideas. What did I bump into? A bunch of backstabbing hypocrites who only act on their behalf. Another group of pretentious pricks who have only seen ten movies in their lives because THERE ARE NO MORE FILMS IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA!

Let’s start with the top 5 directors every mediocre filmmaker loves

1. Quentin Tarantino: “Uhhh DUDE! He never went to college!” shouts the pothead in the classroom while tries to make a statement. Dear fucking ignorant, Tarantino WORKED at a video store and WATCHED 5 or more movies a DAY of everything he could! Why do you think his movies are so different and unique? Because he breathed cinema! You spend your free time getting high and jerking off. Get a fucking life and watch movies. Also he took a seminar in screenwriting and took acting classes, so technically he did go to school you FUCKING MORON!

2. Stanley Kubrick: He IS the MAN. He changed filmmaking, every single one of his movies are a piece of art. You shout out loud how much you love him, how much you admire his cinematography and his shots. Now, what’s the only movie they’ve seen? A CLOCKWORK ORANGE! According to those new filmmakers Kubrick only made this movie and that’s all. He didn’t make 2001 (which you said it was boring, don’t fucking lie. I WAS THERE!), Eyes wide shut (which you didn’t see because according to you Tom Cruise is a bad actor), Full Metal Jacket (in your mind you might hear a “huh?”), Spartacus and many more… watch more Kubrick and then start to love him, otherwise shut your trap.

3. Jean Pierre Jeunet: I can’t tell you how tired, sick and annoyed I was whenever I walked into a pitch and the “director” said the following: “Uhh, the story is like ‘Amelie’ with ‘The City of Lost Children’ and I wanna use those colors because they’re cool and scary and it shows that I like obscure concepts (God forbid you say dark, the teacher might think you’re too basic!). He’s not the only one to use dark colors in a FUCKING MOVIE! Are you forgetting Lynch? What about Coppola? What about Brakhage? Those people didn’t just use dark colors because they thought it looked fucking pretty but also because it told a FUCKING STORY! Do you know what is that? Your story makes no sense WHATSOEVER! Why are you writing about a fucking whore, or a fucking guy who wants to kill himself? Or why is everything a dream? Why the fuck are you killing cinema by sharing these thoughts with the world?

4. Darren Aronofsky: They love the editing in “Requiem for a dream,” and I hate that fucking movie (someday I’ll rant about it, not now). I hate the fact that you try to look smarter and say how bad you want to tell a story about drugs and shit when nobody gives a fuck. Why do you want to tell a story about a fucking junkie when I just saw you smoking pot in the parking lot? Are you mentally challenged or something? What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, I like the way he makes zoom in the eyes and — and he scares us. It’s called Filmmaking and so far the only thing you can do with a camera is taking it out of its package, and you almost broke it… DUMBASS!

5. Woody Allen: Why? Well, DUH! They’ve only seen “Annie Hall,” but they’ve never seen “Manhattan,” or “Match Point,” and many more. They think they’re intellectuals, well you’re not, HE is. You are just a fucking moron trying to be above the “mainstream cinema” so you can impress your teacher, you can feel like an outcast and also be the “strange” family member. They think Woody describes their fears when it comes to life, relationships, love and money. You haven’t done anything in your life except mooching off your parents, whine like a baby and hook up with anything that moves (I include myself in the first two). The only reason why you watch Woody Allen is because your English teacher told you so, because you want to give the impression that you see other kind of films and because you’re trying to be bohemian… You fucking jock! I should kick your bourgeoisie ass!

I also hate the fact that because you can handle a fucking camera or set up a fucking light you think you’re cool and genuine. YOU’RE A TECHNICIAN! You carry shit all over the place and set it up while you wait someone else’s orders! Where’s the leadership in that? I’m not saying that the best directors didn’t start as P.A’s, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t brag about it as much as you do.

I hate when they put on their facebook, IM or wallpaper a picture of themselves behind a camera, I’m a writer do you see a picture of myself while I type on my laptop? Don’t you think that doing that is a little bit lame? Kind of stupid actually. I don’t see pictures of a doctor performing surgery or a lawyer in the courtroom as their profile pics. Oh wait, they’re actually doing something to achieve their goals while you upload a lame-ass picture of your face behind a lens. Take that photo down and upload one of yourself getting drunk, at least something like that will get you more attention.

I hate when they say they “hate” Hollywood and they don’t study film for the money but for the art. So, basically you’re here spending tons of money in classes, materials and all for writing a script that you will keep under your bed (because you’re not going to be a commercial director) and for spending the rest of your life behind a starbucks. That’s retarded, do you know the amount of money Hollywood makes? Do you know how hard it is to get in there? Do you know how much work and effort you have to put to become a known filmmaker? How hard it is to show your talent and abilities to these bunch of people who are always busy? You have no idea, because food falls on your lap, 100 dollar bills come out of your pocket and when you take a shit, quarters come out instead of feces. In case you didn’t know Andy Warhol said that making money is an art, that also requires talent, so you better watch your mouth you fuck face.

I hate the way they dress trying to be trendy, apparently if you walk into a film school wearing a tie and a suit you’ll be tortured by a group of emos, followed by a group of wanna be rock stars and a bunch of alternative freaks. Trust me, all three of them move so slow, you’ll make it through the door without a scratch in no time!

I hate the fact they judge everything and don’t try to change it. I hate it when they make a fucking short film and their family praises it! Of course your MOM, or DAD is gonna like it! He’s your fucking dad and that’s the only way he sees the money he’s investing! In a fucking short film no one understands, but that’s what you wanna do, so they’ll respect you for it and they’ll tell you what you want to hear (not the truth… except my mom, but that’s different).

So, fuck you filmmaker/slacker, shut the fuck up and do something. At least I talked bad about you, don’t think you’re God for holding a fucking light, think you’re God if you breathe, eat and love cinema.

See you soon… bitches.

Future douche.