I’m a Hater

I hate the DMV

This place shouldn’t be called the DMV, it should be called “BoBD” as in Boulevard of Broken Dreams. It’s a place where frustration comes to place, you can smell it, sense it and embrace it the moment you walk into that office covered in beige and grey (probably the most suicidal colors in the world).

There are places where it’s painful to go but in the end you get a reward, for example the dentist,  once you get in there’s a 90% chance you toothache will be gone, starbucks (slow as hell) but you come out with coffee, but the DMV… WHAT THE FUCK IS SO GOOD ABOUT THE DMV? They give me a driver’s license? Yes, that’s important but why do they have to be such assholes about it?

It’s not MY fault you gave up your dream of becoming an actor (with that face you wouldn’t have made it that far), or a lawyer or whatever. I didn’t cause that, I didn’t fail you! So why are you being such a prick and not telling who your supervisor is? Why on earth are you eating that greasy, sticky donut instead of helping me out with my appointment? Why are you dressed like that? Why are you making such an angry face all the time? Why do you laugh at the person who failed the test? Why the fuck did I see you at the Metro Station when you work at the freaking DMV? Can’t you get your own license?

Their attitude, I’m pretty sure they wet their pants every time someone fails, they don’t help you at all. They rush you when you ask them something, I’m sorry asshole but my taxes happen to be part of your paycheck, SO YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME!

Why are there always lines? I’ve been there the moment it opens and that woman is always wearing the same dress which MATCHES the wall! Isn’t that scary? And why do you get upset when I ask you a question, THAT’S YOUR FUCKING JOB! If you don’t like it, then quit but stop being a bitch about it.

I hate the DMV, I hate it, I hate the fact that they don’t even know the answers to the written test without looking at the book! That’s so tacky! No wonder you failed as a lawyer, you never read the law, or as an actor, YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOUR LINES!

So fuck you DMV, I hope you and your lack of social interaction are very happy together, see you soon… bitches.

BEST MOVIES OF 2011

I don’t do intros to long articles because most of the time I don’t read the intro, so here they are, according to me, the best movies of 2011:

1. The Tree of Life by Terrence Malick because it’s aesthetically seductive: full of sounds and images that will make you go out and hug nature and people. I actually didn’t do that because I don’t touch strangers, but I felt like doing it.

2. Drive by Nicolas Winding Refn because as I watched it, I felt like eating a rare, bloody piece of steak.

3. Young Adult by Jason Reitman because I emotionally connected with the main character, and also because being pretty is not that easy.

4. Hugo by Martin Scorsese because the film itself is a love letter to cinema.

5. The Artist by Michel Hazanavicius because it’s a silent film, and the dog is pretty awesome! DUH!

6. The Descendants by Alexander Payne because family and secrets always go together.

6. Bridesmaids by Paul Feig because it has the best diarrhea scene in the history of cinema, and it shows that chick flicks don’t always have to follow a pattern.

7. Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy by Tomas Alfredson because it’s an old school thriller that tells you the story in the details, the very small and insignificant details.

8. Midnight in Paris by Woody Allen because the past isn’t as idealistic as you thought it would be.

9. Melancholia by Lars Von Trier because it made me hate people even more, but then I saw the number 1 film on this list.

10. Super 8 by J.J Abrams because it’s basic storytelling at its best, and because the monster had feelings, and because every character had a moral stain.

Honorable Mentions:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 — oh come on! It’s an epic conclusion to an epic saga!

The Muppets by James Bobin because it will teach you that life’s a happy song!

The Skin I Live in by Almodovar because it’s a horror movie in the most bizarre way.

Moneyball by Bennett Miller because it’s not always about winning.

A Dangerous Method by David Cronenberg because you can’t analyze love.

Carnage by Roman Polanski because not every movie needs a third act in order to be considered great.

Here they are, bitches! Enjoy!

My favorite poster of my list. HA!

I HATE RESENTED FEMINISTS

Women are awesome. I’ll never argue that. Women as bosses are beyond awesome. They have a great sense of intuition, and they know how to be leaders. I’ve had women as my bosses, and they’re simply terrific at their job.
I’ve read and studied a lot about the role of women in history. I’ve read about their struggle for being able to vote. Their struggle for finding a place in the working society. The whole concept of sexism, sexual harassment issues, pro- choice, pro- life, and many more important issues; however, I’ve discovered a group of women, self- proclaimed feminists who happen to DETEST women in power, and who also happen to hate women who are both PRETTY and SMART.
I fucking hate those bitches. First of all, to declare yourself as a feminist in the 21st century is kind of strange. These women that I’ve met are within my age range (20 – 30), and I don’t think they ever struggled with the whole concept of feminism. Most of them are just fucking annoying book worms or wanna- be nerds.
My second problem with these annoying bitches is the fact that they think that knowing trivial shit is the intellectual equivalent to being smart, and THAT IS FUCKING WRONG! Why? Because being smart is having an ability in something besides learning stuff. If you’re good at memorizing things, then probably you should find a skill in that area and NOT call yourself smart.
My third problem with self- proclaimed feminists is that they HATE the idea of seeing a woman who’s both pretty and smart in a position of power. They hate it! They contradict their ideas, their concepts. For some reason, someone told them that women can either be smart OR pretty but not both. Dear so- called feminists: YOU ARE WRONG TOO! I’ve met beautiful women who are also very smart and know their shit! They’re fucking brilliant and awesome! The fact that you lack of confidence doesn’t mean that you have bring your same gender down. Get over yourself.
My fourth problem with these people is how quickly they judge everything that represents women in power somehow. They don’t admire women in power. They RESENT them, and THAT is FUCKING WRONG TOO! You should be proud of your own gender! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I hate these resented feminists because their contributions to our society are just useless. Try and change something like the women who are in a position of power did! instead of hating them, just ADMIRE them! seriously!
Dear resented feminist:
Read these 3 statements, and if you agree with at least one of them, you need help.

a) You’re not in a position of power (I would write YET at the end of this sentence, but the sole thought of having you as somebody’s boss makes me sad).
b) You have self- esteem issues. Get over them. Go to therapy. Just stop criticizing people who are better than you.
c) You’re ugly.

See you soon… bitches!

I HATE FAT PEOPLE WITH AN ATTITUDE

Okay, I know this is my second post regarding looks, but things are too fucked up these days. I used to think that pretty people were assholes, mean, self-centered pricks or bitches who got to get away with it because they were pretty. Nowadays, it’s the other way around! what the fuck?
I don’t hate all fat people, some family members of mine happen to be fat, but they’re cool, nice, and fun to be around; however, this new breed of fat assholes and bitches are getting on my nerves. They hang out with pretty people, hence, they think they’re pretty too, and I have a BIG problem with that!
Here’s a list of things that are wrong with you fat bitch or asshole:
1. You may hang out with beautiful people, but that doesn’t mean that you get to believe that YOU are beautiful. You’re their charity case. They hang out with you, so the world can’t tell how superficial they are.
2. Apparently, they claim to be happy about being fat, but they certainly love judging others based on their looks. Bitch, do you have a mirror? do you see how round you are? if you do, shut the fuck and join the gym (I’d say go and jog outside, but fall just started).
3. For some reason, they think they have an amazing and original fashion sense, when all they do is wear these long slim coats that look like a bed sheet they got at Bed, Bath and Beyond, painted all over it and re-stitched it because they couldn’t find regular clothes at Urban Outfitters.
4. They hate it when you hit on their friends, and they develop this really dependence towards them that will kill every chance you have to hang out with their pretty friend. Why do they do this? I don’t know, maybe, nobody hits on them. Maybe, they haven’t been kissed. Maybe, they’re still a bunch of fat virgins, or, maybe, all of the above.
5. They claim to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being single. They scream out loud: “Yeah! I’m free, and I can do whatever I want!” and that is exactly right dear fat person with an attitude. You indeed can do WHATEVER you WANT because looking the way do right now, you CAN’T do WHOEVER you WANT. Big difference.
6. They’re always drunk. They’re drunk because they’re happy. They’re drunk because they’re sad. They’re drunk at night, and the next day they gloat by saying how fucked up they were the night before, and they also wanna do it all over again. They love being drunk because they’ll wake up at home the next day. Well, here’s the thing fat person with an attitude: you were so drunk that your pretty friend had to take care of you! remember when you threw up outside the bar, and your pretty friend held your hair? yeah! Exactly… that was you. They become your nannies because, in the real world, nobody would try to get advantage of you being drunk.
7. They’re all about sarcasm. I don’t know if they wake up every single morning and instead of having a cup of coffee, they have a cup of sarcasm (black, no sugar or cream). They criticize and make fun of everything. They re-tell their drunk stories to everyone they meet. Dear Fat person with an attitude: THAT’S YOUR FUCKING DEFENSE MECHANISM! HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK WE ARE?
8. They have an alternative taste when it comes to art, and that’s how they become the “smart” ones among the pretty people group; Honestly, fat person with an attitude, you just have way too much access to google. I mean it.
9. They’re all about their Facebook updates it with all of the bad things they do on a Monday night “OMG I just drank a whole beer, and I have class tomorrow morning.” Really? do you think that people give a shit if you have class? do I wanna think of you having beer? As a matter of fact, you SHOULDN’T be drinking beer! YOU’RE FUCKING FAT!
10.Their douchiness comes from their body fat. It’s as simple as that. They think they can be assholes or bitches because they’re fat, which means that if you insult them back, they’ll play the bully card, and you’ll become the asshole. So, best advice I can give you is: If you see one coming, make the conversation about yourself and say out loud ‘I used to be fat! I hated it!’ now, you have shield that will come in handy when the passive- aggressive insult war arises from their fatty side.

So yeah, there you have it. This a new breed that NEEDS to be stopped right away! We can’t feel bad for assholes with self-esteem issues. Let their inner world or families deal with their shit, not us! Now, I know you’ll say that I’m a prick, heartless son of a bitch. Well, you know what? Maybe, maybe this post will come across as that because you’ve never met one, but when you do… BE PREPARED, and you will SEE my point.

This is the summarized version of fat people with an attitude, and also the way they MUST be treated.

I HATE UGLY PEOPLE

…. WHO COCK BLOCK YOU! Jesus people! I know I’m a hater, but I’m not a bad person. Here’s the thing: haven’t you ever been at a party, club, get together, dinner or whatever, and you start to exchange looks with a certain person? You what I mean! The 3 to 5 seconds stare that means that someone is interested in you and vice-versa. Later, a smile comes, and you two start to talk, and things are going smoothly. SUDDENLY, an UGLY PERSON arrives. This person happens to be tired, upset, sad, moody, sick, depressed, and also THIS PERSON happens to be the best friend of your hook-up!

WHY UGLY PERSON? WHY? WHY DO YOU CHOOSE TO COME TO A PARTY WHEN YOU ARE SAD, DEPRESSED, SICK, OR MOODY? Why do you decide that you WANT to LEAVE right away when you SEE that your friend and I are getting along? Why do you have to be such a selfish prick or bitch for that matter?

What neuron inside your brain gave you the impulse to approach your friend now? I mean… come on! Why don’t you go and try and hook up with someone else? why do you have to be so clingy? I hate you. I hate the fact that you’re cock blocking me! it’s selfish and mean! You shouldn’t do shit like that!

I also hate it when I’m checking out someone, and I’m trying to get a flirtatious look and BAM! You have to stand up RIGHT THERE! Why do you do that? THAT’S FUCKING MEAN! WHY? WHY? WHY? HUH? WHY?

This person might be the love of my life, and your ugliness is interfering with my happiness. I hate you for that. Someday, you’ll be at a party, and you’ll start a conversation with somebosy, and I’ll make sure NOT to interrupt you… you wanna know why? No, not because I’m not ugly, but because that person might be the one for you. HA!

So stop the selfishness… bitch or asshole!

"Hey, I'm tired. Let's go home"

I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS

As I promised on my previous post, this is a post about someone that I truly, truly, TRULY love: BRITNEY SPEARS.
I love her. I can’t lie about it. I really do. I own all her albums. I have all her international singles. I admire her, and I respect her.

First of all let me point out the bad things everybody mentions when her name comes up:

1. Yes, she shaved her and hit a car with an umbrella.
2. Yes, she locked herself in her room when the police was about to take away her kids and hand them to her ex-husband (that douchebag called Kevin Federline).
3. Yes, she went to rehab.
4. Yes, her VMA performance in 2007 was awful.
5. Yes, she made an awful reality show and walked around without underwear.
6. Yes, she rarely sings live nowadays.
7. Yes, she hasn’t written most of her songs.
8. Yes, she had a 55-hours marriage in Vegas.
9. Yes, her father controls her finances.
10. And yes, people think she has no talent.

There you go, enjoy, I just gave you ten reasons why people hate Britney Spears, and whether they’re right or wrong, I still love her. Let’s start with the fact that she comes from a small town, and she’s been taking dance lessons since she was eight-years-old. Let’s also start with the fact that she was cast in an off-Broadway musical at that early age and toured with it for two years. What the fuck were you doing when you were eight? Riding a bike around your block I assume.

Did you know that after this musical, she was cast in the Mickey Mouse Club? And that she was only 11? I’m pretty sure you didn’t know that you judgmental prick! She dances and performed at that show as well. Then, she kept struggling and BAM! At the young age of 16 she released “… Baby one more time,” probably one of the best songs and albums of the 90′s. Oh! And this isn’t just my opinion. Google the reviews, and people praised her! When she was ONLY 16, she was on top of the world. What the fuck have YOU done lately? Around the age of 16, most of us were learning how to kiss.

She hosted SNL when she was 17, and she released her second album “Ooops, I did it again” which was another hit. She became a public image, and pretty much she was ruling the world. People put her on the spot, and after two more successful albums her failure came, and she went into a really dark place.

Most people would just quit and walk away. She didn’t! She came out with an album called “Blackout,” and one of the singles was “Piece of Me.” She went meta and that is good! She made her vulnerabilities public, and she was loved and accepted again! I’ve always admired underdogs. People who come from nothing and make it big. I’ve always admired honest people who don’t hide their past and embrace it. She did this. Her name could’ve vanished in the wind, but the exact opposite thing happened. She was a Phoenix! She came back from her ashes! That’s why I love her!

I admire people who triumph when they’re so young (that doesn’t mean I have Bieber Fever), but she wasn’t just some silly girl who woke up one day and decided to be famous. She put herself up there. Somehow, she’s a role model. Nobody would admit her failures in public. She did. Why do some people look down a person for doing mistakes? Haven’t you done mistakes? Don’t you have anything shameful to hide? Granted, her life was an open book not by choice, but there was nothing she could do about it. After all, she IS Britney Spears.

If you read her interviews, she’s always tells the truth. People love to trash her and to put her down, but her fans (counting me in) love her because she’s just herself. She doesn’t need a bunch of fake paraphernalia to attract attention to herself. She’s charming and cute. She dances, and she smiles. She’s just a normal girl with great dancing abilities who became famous at an early age. What’s wrong with that? She wasn’t born into that. She climbed the mountain and took the spot.

I love the fact that she’s always smiling. I love the fact that she’s also a mother of two. I love the fact that she loves her art. I love the fact that her name is a legend. I love the fact that she went into a dark abyss and came out victorious. People love to see others fail when they represent everything they’re not or what they want to be, but Britney, ha! she went into the abyss and came out sparkling like the Princess she is.

I know I sound like an fanatic, but it pisses me off when people judge others based on their failures without truly knowing the origins of their success. Britney Spears is great. She’s awesome, and I simply love her. She’s pop music at its best. She has worked with the best producers in the music industry (The Ying Yang Twins, Will.I.Am, even MOBY!). She performed with Michael Jackson, and she has 6 number 1 albums when she isn’t even 30-years old. Again, what the fuck have YOU done lately?

Her story is a way of telling the world: Yes, I failed, but if you admit your failures and if you’re willing to admit your mistakes and start from zero, the world will love you again. And she’s getting her groove back.

I love you Britney! You’re fantastic! You’re brilliant! You’re and you’ll always be BRITNEY SPEARS!

I HATE SELF-INDULGENT PEOPLE

This is my second post where I direct my hatred towards people, but you gotta admit sometimes people deserve to be hated. Before I start this rant, I want to promise that my next post will be about something that I love.

Now, self-indulgent individuals really get on my nerves for different reasons:

1. Do you think I honestly give a shit about your big accomplishment of the day? Do I give a fuck that you write as your facebook status that you helped someone cross the street? or that you gave your seat to an elderly person? I honestly do NOT give a shit. Do you wanna know why? Because I don’t do any of those good deeds! And if I decide to do them, I won’t tell anyone about it because I don’t need to feel better about my fucking self! Do you think that you’re going to Heaven or whatever is that you believe in just because you gave your seat or helped someone else? NO! You don’t know that! If you REALLY wanted to help someone, you’ll just do it from the bottom of your heart and shut the fuck up about it.

2. I hate it when people take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror, and they write shit like “I managed to get this thing done!” Again, WHO GIVES A SHIT? I honestly don’t want to know about the achievements you had during your day, or week, or month. I’d be really happy if I saw the consequence of your actions before you started to brag about them! I honestly would be extremely happy for you, but would I click like just because you’re congratulating yourself? HELL NO!

3. I’m really happy when someone gets something done, and I’m also really happy when you achieve one of your goals. I agree with the one-time status, and the occasional picture about it, but dear asshole: Do you really have to do that all the fucking time? Do you really need to rub in everybody else face how well you are doing? NO! YOU DON’T. It’s not a matter of jealousy! It’s a matter of self-respect and appreciation to others! Just do it once and cherish the congratulations you’re getting on the way, but if it becomes a part of your updates you’re becoming this douchebag everybody is secretly judging and making fun of! SO STOP THAT SHIT! RIGHT NOW YOU DIMWIT!

4. I’m really happy you have a perfect life, but I really don’t want to know anything about it. I do want to know about your trip, but I don’t want to know how expensive the hotel is. I do want to see the pictures, but I don’t want to see the wanna-be funny tag you write. I do wanna know about the people you met, and not the way they’re connected to a D-list celebrity. Really! I mean it! GET OVER YOURSELF!

5. I love spontaneous pictures. The ones where nothing is planned, and you just pressed the shooter. I love pictures that have some sort of flaw. That flaw makes the picture so authentic and real! I hate those fucking pictures where I can tell you’re holding something up your ass in order to smile like that! I hate the fact that you fixed your dish, or your pet, or your dress that according to your aesthetic standards is going to look pretty so everyone can see it! I hate the fact that you pretend to be fucking perfect when in reality no one is! Embrace your flaws and share them with the rest of the world! They make you who you are and that is awesome!

Stop being a self-indulgent bitch and whine! complain! fight! argue! do things that make you human and not some creepy creature from “The Stepford Wives” village! Be human and more real! Fuck your self-indulgence! Give me some visceral shit! (Not literally ’cause that would be disgusting!)

See you soon… bitches!

STFU!

I HATE WANNA-BE INTELLECTUALS

Intellectuals are these people who are interested in any form of art: poetry, film, music, performance. You name it, and somehow, it’s related to art. These people tend to walk into a room and exude intelligence. You can tell they’re smart, brilliant, engaging, and very humble. Yes! Real intellectuals are humble. They don’t brag about their knowledge. They don’t drag attention to themselves by using long words or by sharing their ideas with the rest of the people in the room.

A wanna-be intellectual is the kind of fucking douche who laughs at his or her own jokes. This is a personality trait that has no gender. Why? Probably because when they’re male they tend to criticize everything everybody else likes. Males tend to be contrarians. They like to hate what everybody else loves. They want to make you feel small when you like something for the masses; however, they have shitty taste when it comes to movies, music and television. They enjoy weird shows in foreign languages so they can feel unique. They also like to talk about obscure movies that no one else has seen so they can smirk at their own self-titled film expertise. Yes, they’re fucking douchebags! Why don’t I call them assholes? Because an asshole is someone upfront, honest and blunt. These douchebags are not. They’re passive aggressive morons that happen to have easy access to internet and took basic lessons in a second language.

Now, when they’re females they’re quite different. They think they’re special, and I have no idea why. They think that by speaking out loud every single thought that crosses their mind they’ll get the attention they need. They take themselves way too seriously, and most of the time their contribution to the class is close to nothing. A wanna-be intellectual female will tell you stories out loud you never wanted to know. A wanna-be intellectual female will randomly tell you random facts about her wanna-be interesting yet actually boring life. A wanna-be intellectual female will use long words on purpose so you can think she’s smart, but in reality, she’s just someone with a plain life.

Both of these morons earn my hate in several ways. NO! I do NOT give a fuck about your thoughts on the IFC movie that only you saw because “Scre4m” was sold out. YES! I fucking hate it when you pretend to care about the recommendations done by the teacher in class and MAKE SURE that the professor SEES you writing them down so you’ll go to the closest Barnes and Noble (oh shit! I’m sorry! You’re intellectual! You’ll go to the small bookstore close to your place!) and buy them.
I most certainly despise the fact that you fucking laugh out loud at someone Else’s mistake. That’s not funny you fucking DOUCHE! That’s fucking CRUEL! Who the fuck are you to laugh at someone Else’s tragedy? You’re a fucking wanna-be intellectual! But God forbid someone makes a crack at YOUR expense; then, this person turns out to be an evil being, huh? Well, you know what? FUCK YOU!

I hate it when you do all that shit so you can pretend to be smart, but in reality these acts are just a cry for attention and neediness. I don’t feel sorry for you. I just hate you. I hate people who are full of shit, and you Mr. or Mrs. Wanna – Be intellectual happen to be one of them. So, just go and eat yourself. In other words: EAT SHIT!

FUCK WANNA-BE INTELLECTUALS! Here’s to Pop Culture!

P.s: I hate them so much! They don’t even deserve a picture! I’m sure you all have one somewhere. Just think of him or her as you read this.

I HATE “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER”

One of the reasons why I love comedy is because comedy is supposed to make you laugh. A good comedy show has the obligation of making you laugh without the use of a laugh track. It has also the obligation of being able to be quotable, and referential, and quirky, and smart,and witty. Unfortunately, “How I met your Mother” is not any of those things.
The only reason why that moronic show is still on the air is because people (hell, even me) want to find out who the fuck the mother is. I mean it’s been 6 fucking years, and I just read it was renewed for two more; therefore, it’s going to be almost a decade of seeing a guy telling his kids how the fuck did he fuck their mother.
If you get rid of the concept of the show (which I think it’s pretty smart) you have “Friends,” but with way worse acting and writing. I heard great things about “HIMYM.” I heard it was original, and fresh, and charming, and cute. I also heard Neil Patrick Harris is amazing in it, and that he can make anyone laugh. Well, dear Neil you DO not make me laugh. You make me wanna change the channel and stare at Paula Deen’s cooking, which has more charm than you. At least she’s funny, and endearing, and adorable.
Being gay in real life and playing a womanizer who thinks he looks good because he’s wearing a tie is not comedic timing. It’s just retarded that’s what it is. I don’t believe you’re a womanizer at all. You’re not pretty! You’re ugly! NEIL PATRICK YOU’RE ALSO A DOUCHE! I DON’T LIKE YOU!
I also hate the way they portray New York as this candid city where everybody looks the same and acts the same. The characters are so generic, they’re not special nor unique, they’re just basic and boring.
Jason Segel you should be ashamed of yourself! You’re so good in films like “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” ”Knocked up,” and ” I love you man,” yet when I see your face on this show I think to myself “What the fuck are you doing? Who writes such bad lines for you?”
Once we saw this in class, and there was only one person laughing… ONE! It doesn’t even make me chuckle. My soul drowns in misery when I watch 30 seconds of “How I met your Mother.”
That girl who plays Robin, whatever her name is, the canadian one, she’s such a bad actress. She can’t deliver lines with grace, she’s so over-the-top and plain. I also hate her character who happens to be a TV reporter who works at the worse news channel ever? Like what the fuck is that? Who thought that was funny? IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY!
If you find this show funny, clearly you’ve never seen “Seinfeld,” “Friends,” or “Sex and The City,” THOSE are funny shows, but this piece of shit? What the fuck is that? Are you that obsessed in knowing who the mother is? Well, just wait for two more years and watch the final episode! It won’t be a surprise, and I’m sure as hell you’ll hate whomever Ted ends up with.
At least with “Friends” I am SURE that it was shot in front of an audience and those laughters are REAL. “HIMYM” isn’t. It’s a hybrid between single camera show and multi-cam.

So people, think about this…. HOW REAL ARE THOSE LAUGHTERS ON “HIMYM?” HUH? HOW REAL?

See you soon… bitches

ASSHOLES

I HATE PRETENTIOUS NERDS

There’s this guy in my class who happens to be a nerd. He’s shy when he speaks, he mumbles a lot, and he wears old band t-shirts. I don’t mind any of those things at all; but, one day we were in class and he made a reference about “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” I got confused, and said that the main character’s name was “Captain Kirk,” and this was like kicking him in the balls. He raised his head, looked at me, and for the very first time in class, he spoke out loud yelling: “It’s Captain Picard! Get it right!” I wanted to throw him a chair.
Excuse me for not knowing something as important as THAT! I mean, come on! THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME! Right? Then, I started to remember all the nerds I’ve met in my life. Some of them are really nice, like, when I don’t know something about sci-fi, or comics, or extremely obscure movies, they always answer with a smile on their face! They love to be asked!
But, there are these fucking assholes who think they’re the shit, because uuhhh what? You’ve seen all of star trek? (including the tv series and films altogether?) How fucking useless is that? I mean, let’s face it, when it’s time for a job interview that is the VERY first thing your future boss will ask you: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” “Sir, I see myself watching Star Trek on blu-ray, in the company of both my cat and my inflatable wife, or husband.” (That breed has no gender).
Dear pretentious nerd, I truly fucking hate your guts. Who the fuck made you think that you were better than me (or everybody else for that matter) because you’ve seen every strange movie ever made? What makes you think you’re so fucking special only because you know how many times fucking superman dies and comes back to life? Do you wanna know why do you know that? BECAUSE YOU HAD NO FUCKING LIFE! And by life, I’m not saying you should’ve gone out and passed out in the middle of the street swimming in your own vomit. No, you fucking moron! by life, I mean doing things like going out with your parents, walking around the city, or even joining the gym. In other words, something that will allow to become more social and less of an intolerant douche.
Now, you know what else I hate? When those fuckers make you feel stupid because you don’t know something that belongs to their tiny, little fantasy-bizarro- world. I fucking hate it when they make a “Dungeons and Dragons” reference, and they know NO ONE in the FUCKING ROOM GETS IT! NO FUCKING BODY! And, do you know what they do? They fucking stare around with a smirk on their pimpled face! “Doesn’t anybody get that?” NO! WE DON’T, YOU FUCKING TWAT! Then, they smile and they start their fucking explanation in the most patronizing tone ever. I think they get off on that -male or female- doesn’t matter. There’s cum in those pants… at least a few drops, I just fucking know it!
I also fucking hate it, when they’re douche to you, but they play the victim if you’re an asshole to them. Why the fuck do you have to play the bully card? I was bullied too! I was a geek, I know what it feels like to bullied! Why do you have to make some sort of face and then wash everything off with a sarcastic remark? Do you think it makes you look good in front of the teacher? Well, dear pimpled face, NEW FLASH: IT FUCKING DOESN’T! You come across as a coward, you moron!
You know what else I fucking hate, you pretentious nerd? When you tell the adventures you have with your other “friends,” who are either too cool to be real, or just as nerd as you are. That’s fucking scary, the thought of you hanging out with more people like you revolts my guts. What good can come out of that? They’re so immersed in fucking Spock’s ears that they won’t even think on having sex with each other! They’ll just wet their pants humming to the star trek theme song.
However, this doesn’t mean I don’t know about nerdy things. I love the following: Buffyverse, comic book movies, harry potter, lord of the rings trilogy, and I HATE the Star Wars prequels. But, do I go around making people feel like idiots just because they don’t know who Fray is? That’s just wrong and douchy, and no wonder you have no real friends, you pretentious prick!
Also, there’s a show I love. It’s called “The Big Bang Theory,” it’s brilliant, hilarious, and very, very funny. Great casting and great writing. It’s about nerds who live together. It’s full of sci-fi references, comic book jokes and the blah. Now, tons of nerds that I’ve met in most of my classes LOVE, and I mean LOVE this show. They feel identified with the characters, and they quote it, and yeah! That’s who we are and shit like that…
Well, dear pretentious nerd, let me elucidate it for you: The characters in “The Big Bang Theory” are FUCKING THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS! Every single day, they wake up to deal with numbers and equations. That’s their own little world, and in their case it actually makes sense for them to behave like that. Now, do you get my point you fucking douche? They’re BRILLIANT, you are just trying to BE like them! But, in reality you’re not! You’re at a WRITING class where you get to be as much as nerdy as you want, but you don’t get to be a fucking pompous prick about it! In this writing class, YOU have to understand that you’re sharing a room with people who love Romantic Comedies, drama, melodrama. People who have never seen “Stargate SG-1,” because they were watching “Seinfeld.” People who have never seen “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer,” because they were watching “Sex and the City,” and with people who have NEVER, EVER seen “Battlestar Gallactica,” because they were watching “Grey’s Anatomy.”
So, stop being a prick and start getting real!

See you soon… bitches.

The show that contains the answers to life's biggest mysteries.

I HATE JUDGMENTAL VEGANS.

Look, there’s one thing that I love and that is MEAT! I love steak, chicken, lamb, you name it. The only living thing I don’t eat is pork and  not because I don’t like it, but because for some damn reason I’m allergic to it. Most of my friends were becoming vegetarians or were vegetarians before I met them, they told me it was a healthier option, it was cheaper. I also met other people who were vegans, that means they didn’t eat anything that came from an animal or something living, no milk, no eggs, no cheese.

They always talked that being vegan or a vegetarian was a big sacrifice. It also allowed you to be more connected with the Earth and shit like that. I started to wonder if I should do the same, maybe it will fit my lifestyle, maybe it will clean my body, maybe it’ll allow me to see things from a different perspective.

They were also showing me videos of the way animals were killed, and the kind of meat they used for making burgers or nuggets and all. And it led me to do some serious thinking about my eating habits. Well, I stopped eating junk food (nuggets, burgers) and all of that. I lost some weight, I felt healthier but I kept eating steak and chicken.

More of my friends were becoming vegetarian, the videos kept popping online, I was reading more and more about PETA’s protests around the world. Celebrities were against animals being slaughtered. One day, I was jogging, I sat down on the ground, closed my eyes and decided that on December 1st of 2010 I was going to become a vegetarian. No more meat nor chicken! I was going to become one of my friends.

So, I went to the grocery store and bought tofu, pasta, tons of vegetables, tofurkey or whatever the fuck is called and I filled my kitchen cabinets with these bunch of healthier options. While I was cooking one day, on December 15th I kept thinking, do I really want to be THAT person? That person who goes all like “Ew,you eat meat? Do you know how much a cow suffers before being put to death? Do you know the way they kill chickens?” As I finished my “healthier” meal my mind kept working “That’s not cool. Animals are innocent, why are you torturing them? How would you feel if someone came and kill you and ate you? How do you think that cow feels?”

I finished my lunch and I couldn’t be more HUNGRIER! I’m sorry but I gave up, I had to go to the closest mexican restaurant and eat the biggest burrito I could think of. It was full of steak, the steak was juicy and it was DELICIOUS! So, again as I was ENJOYING this meal I was thinking, I’m not a bad person, I don’t kill the fucking cows, I don’t go around hunting them with a fucking rifle, so why the fuck do you care if I eat it? When was the last time a chicken protested because someone stole its eggs? Huh? Tell me! Why the fuck are judging people based on their food? Okay, how do you think the soy feels every time you drink its milk? If you’re so fucking environmentalist, why don’t you shut the fuck up and donate some money for saving dolphins and shit?

Now, I don’t make fun of you because you eat something like tofu, it looks like old cheese surrounded by muddy water, also there’s nothing more irritating than cooking that! How the hell do you know when it’s ready? There are some things that I enjoy like soy milk, and brown rice even quinoa, but I need my CHICKEN, I need my MEAT, it has to be on the plate. That big juicy piece of meat is the sole purpose of a meal. Instead of looking down on me for eating, get the fuck away from me and enjoy the green grass that’s growing behind your building. It’s free and you can eat tons of it. I won’t judge you, not even silently.

But your rant keeps going, then I say “Meat and chicken are very good protein sources,” and then you tell me that there are other options, much cheaper and all that mumbo jumbo. You know what? I don’t wanna hear it! I don’t wanna know, I want to sit down and eat my fucking steak in peace! Shut the fuck up. Also, I also hate it when people assume just because you eat meat you support people who harm animals. Do you think I keep under my house this dungeon where I lock horses and seals and I peel their skins at night? Clearly, I don’t because I’m not a psycho! Of course, I’m against people who wear fur! Wearing something dead around your body goes beyond disgusting. It’s very revolting. But eating steak it’s not terrible. Yes, the cow was alive and so was the chicken but there are tons of them, and it’s not like I do it out of fun, it’s a basic necessity, so, basically, just zip it, pick some flowers, fry them in your organic butter and leave me the fuck alone.

One thing I promise you all judgmental vegans and that is:

WHEN A COW IS RUNNING FOR CONGRESS AND A CHICKEN HAS THE LEGAL RIGHT TO VOTE I WILL STOP EATING THEM, but in the meantime let me enjoy my night at chipotle, thank you very much.

See you soon… bitches.

I love you... in my stomach.

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